i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
