So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
