It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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