I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I wear drunk well.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
