??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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