I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
