ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
