and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's shark week go big or go home
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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