Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
