does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
