ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
