I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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