dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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