The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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