i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
