was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
