so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
