Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
