She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
