i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
