I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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