I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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