Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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