My nipple is on Facebook.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
