The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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