How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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