I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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