She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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