Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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