so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
