happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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