I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
