You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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