so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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