...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
