Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
