he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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