Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
