i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
