Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
