my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
