I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
