he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
