It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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