Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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