I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
