I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
