Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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