i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
