I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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