I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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