Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
