I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
