Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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